I went to a funeral yesterday. I brought cake. It was a pink cake, pink with rainbow sprinkles. I had to take the elevator so I didn’t drop it. I set it down on the table when I got there–the little table, the rectangular table, the table with all the magazines. I had to leave it there while I payed–two hundred and forty dollars, as it sat there on the New England Journal of Medicine, two hundred and forty dollars, pink on the orange and the white. I felt the urge to write on it, that pang again; I even had my paper out, but I didn’t know what to say. The door opened, front and to the left. A head poked out, and a soft voice said “Hello”; you could barely hear her–her lips moved, but her voice was barely there, a cloud, a cumulus cotton candy cloud on the stagnant sugar-wind. I stood up; that was my cue. My flip-flops thwacked the carpet as I walked towards her, and I saw my cake soar past the rose-gold chairs, up, up under the aureate lights.
She asked me “How are you?”
I handed her the cake.
“Is that for me?”
“It’s very pretty.”
“What kind of icing is that?”
“Vanilla. Vanilla with sprinkles.”
We reached the door. She stopped. I went in first. She closed the door. We both sat down. The chairs were brown.
“How are you?” She asked again.
That’s when I began to cry. She wasn’t going to ask me that anymore.
“Are you okay?”
Silence settled like ashes in an urn.
“Do I have to go?” I asked her.
“You don’t have to do anything.”
I curled up into a little ball, bringing my knees to my chest. She peered across the carpet, watching as I sobbed, watching as my tears rolled down onto my knees.
“I heard your session with Adrien was hard.”
“It was… It’s just…”
“You really can read minds.”
Smiles. Silence. Sobs.
“Thank you for the cake. It’s very festive.”
I looked up. Her eyes were such a pretty blue. “It’s a cake of mourning.” I informed her.
She laughed. It wasn’t supposed to be funny.
“I feel like I’m going to a funeral.” I told her. “Preparing for this appointment, I felt like I was going to a funeral.”
It was her turn to nod.
“It’s like… I just…”
“I feel like I’m losing a parent.”
“But, like, an actual parent. Not like when my dad died, that didn’t matter, and my mom could die now for all I care.”
She didn’t judge. I could see the sadness in her eyes; I could see my sadness; I could see the care, the compassion there. There was no judgement; no, she didn’t judge; she just listened.
“A parent I actually care about.”
“You’ve learned to care. You’ve learned to sit with your feelings.” She was right. Always.
“I just didn’t think I’d have to say goodbye. I just expected I’d quit treatment, die, or just not care…”
“But you do.”
“But I do.”
“Is it hard to say goodbye to me?”
“No.” I wiped my nose on my sleeve. The lie was so obvious that we both laughed.
“Do you think you’re never going to see me again?”
Another wave of tears, heavier this time, a downpour, torrential like an Austin August.
“From my side, I can still answer your emails, and you can call me anytime. If you’re ever in Austin, if you ever need anything, you can come and see me.”
I looked out the window. A bird flew by. A bus drove down a hill.
“If I don’t hear from you for a while, I’ll have to close your chart. That just means that part of our treatment is over.”
“I’ll send you copies of my books when I publish them.” I said.
“I’d like that.”
“And when I write a goodbye letter–which I will do–I’ll mail it to you.”
“You’re probably disappointed I didn’t write one.” I said, avoiding the issue. “I meant to, but I didn’t know what to say.”
“It’s not. Adrien and Vanessa both got one.”
I wept. My tears hit the couch this time.
“When I heard you were moving to London, my first thought was that you were running, and then I thought maybe she’s ready.”
“Only you can answer that.”
“But you know everything.”
She smiled. I memorized pattern on the tissue box–white with yellow diamonds, white with yellow diamonds and blue dots.
“Do you need a prescription from me?” She asked finally.
“I don’t know.”
“Can you fill it there?”
“I don’t know.”
“Can you get three months’ supply here?”
“That gives you a little wiggle room, time to find someone in London.”
I didn’t want to find someone in London. “According to Google, all the psychiatrists in London are old white men who specialize in serial killers.”
She laughed. I didn’t.
“I’m sure they’re not all old white men who focus on serial killers.”
She smiled and walked over to her desk. I watched. Her white skirt swished as she walked, her Toms changing the colour of the carpet. I could hear the pen scratching.
“I don’t want to go.” I whispered.
She looked at me, her blue eyes melting.
“I don’t want to go.”
She handed me the prescription. I took it.
“I’ll be here, if you change your mind.”
“Promise.” A single tear rolled down her cheek.
She didn’t say anything. She just wrapped me up in her warm arms, and held me close as we both shook with tears.
“I’ll finish the goodbye letter.” I said, pulling away.
“I’m excited to read it.” She replied, putting her hand on the doorknob.
“It’s time, isn’t it?”
I gave the office one last look, one last time, and then I stepped into the hallway with a smile on my face and tears in my eyes, because I knew I was ready, because I knew it was time to move on. London was calling, and life was waiting. So goodbye for now Dr. S, and thank you, thank you for everything. I love you so much.