An Unhappy Birthday

I’ve never really liked birthdays. In fact, I grew up dreading them. My mother almost always forgot the occasion. Relatives I hated swarmed in from out of town. People watching me eat meant I had to eat more. I felt I didn’t deserve any of the presents I received. The passage of time made me anxious about how little I’d accomplished. I frequently spent the day in a hospital of some sort. And then there was the cake.

The cake! Oh god, the cake! The cake was the worst part. I’d spend all year worrying about the cake, planning for the cake, calculating how many calories were in the cake, devising ways to compensate for the cake. A slice of cake had 1000 calories, right? So, if I ate nothing else that day, I could have half a slice and not gain any weight, right? Or I could eat normally and exercise for five hours to burn it off? Or I could purge it? No, that would only get rid of 30% of the calories, providing I did it properly, and I’d still have 666.66 calories in surplus. What if I restricted for two days before? Could I have a whole slice then? Or could I just have a bite? How many calories were in a bite? Or a tiny bit of the frosting? Just a lick! That was my favourite part anyway. But there would be crumbs on the frosting. How would I account for those calories? It wasn’t worth it. I just wouldn’t have any. But I would exercise extra anyway—just in case, to burn off the cake I didn’t eat.

That was my birthday every year, and it was miserable. Like many people, I used birthdays as an opportunity to beat myself up, to get down on myself for all the things I hadn’t done, for everything that I wasn’t. The event emphasised my biggest insecurities—failure and fatness—and I spent the holiday punishing myself for my ‘obesity’ and ‘idiocy’. Needless to say, it was not much of a celebration.

It was my birthday last week, and although my circumstances were not ideal, I tried to make the best of it. I bought myself a book I wanted. I didn’t receive many other gifts, but I’m glad I have this text for my research. I attended two dance classes. They weren’t the challenging jazz ones back home at Pineapple, but they gave me an opportunity to work on my technique. I redeemed my birthday reward for a free drink at Starbucks. Maybe I ordered my hot chocolate with nonfat milk and scraped the whipped cream off in a panic, but at least I challenged my fear of liquid calories. I spent some quality time with my cat Katherine. It was sad not to be in London, but Katherine is so adorable and sweet. I stopped at my favourite bakery. My cake was delicious even though my friends were not there to share it with me. Did I have the best birthday ever? No, not by any stretch of the imagination, but I know that I’m lucky to be alive having this birthday at all.

Birthdays can be hard, I know. You don’t have to like them, and you don’t have to celebrate them. You can treat them like an ordinary day if you want to! Just please, please don’t use them as excuse to hurt yourself–mentally or physically. Acknowledge who you are and where your at. You may not be who or where you want to be, but you are someone, somewhere. I hope you can appreciate that.

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Disclaimer: This cake was from the Saturday before my birthday. I enjoyed a chocolate cake on the day itself, but the icing smudged on the bus trip back to my flat, and consequently I didn’t get any good pictures.

How to Travel with an Eating Disorder

Travelling with an eating disorder is stressful–whether you’re in relapse or recovery. Your normal foods are not available. You can’t eat at your regular times. You’re not able to exercise like you normally do. It’s hard, I get it. I’ve been there many times, and it was horrible. But you know what? I survived.

My advice is simple. Fuck it. Yes, you read that correctly. Fuck it! Obviously make sure you’re eating enough, but other than that, fuck it. Throw all your food rules out the window, and just eat whatever the fuck you want. Sampling the local cuisine is part of experiencing a culture, so try anything and everything. Does your destination have a signature dish? Get it from several places and see how it differs regionally. Are you going to the beach? Lick an ice cream cone as you lay in the sun. Have you heard about any cool restaurants in the area? See if they live up to the hype. Do you walk by a bakery as you leave your hotel? Buy a pastry to snack on while you explore. Is there a coffee shop near a landmark you’re going to? Sit there with some tea and watch people walk by.

Will you gain weight on this trip? Maybe. Will you lose a couple pounds? Possibly. Will your weight stay exactly the same? Perhaps. Who knows, and honestly, who cares? Travel is a opportunity and a privilege. Don’t waste your time and money working out in hotel rooms and scouring the city for the lowest calorie salad. Go experience the place you’re in. Talk to the locals, visit the museums, shop on the high streets, and most importantly, eat the food. Enjoy your vacation! The memories you make matter so much more than the number on the scale.

Review: Black Velvet Birthday Cake from Sprinkles Cupcakes

I’ve decided to start doing food reviews, and I thought I’d kick things off with an unpopular opinion. I don’t like Sprinkles. Their cakes are bland and dry, their frosting sparse and crusty. The cupcakes come in an odd square shape, which, in addition to being incredibly unattractive, minimises product surface area. You are paying a lot of money for very little dessert. It’s a rip-off! Also, what is the thing on top? Is it a dragée? Is it candy? Is it someone’s lone, pathetic attempt at a sprinkle? I don’t know, but it’s whatever it is, it’s disconcertingly flavourless, bizarrely crunchy, and otherwise inedible. That goes for their merchandise as a whole.

That being said, I found myself in line at a Sprinkles today. I caught a typographical error on their website, and they gave me a coupon for a free cupcake. I am not one to turn down free food, so I took this opportunity to try their new limited edition offering, a black velvet cupcake with chocolate cream cheese frosting and rainbow sprinkles inside. It wasn’t horrible.

The sponge was unpleasantly grainy, but there was much more of a chocolate flavour than I’ve gotten from them in the past; it wasn’t just “brown vanilla”. The frosting was also better than I remembered; it was by no means smooth or creamy, but at least it didn’t flake off like before. I wish the cake were moister and the chocolate flavour stronger, but this would’ve been a fine cupcake—if it weren’t for the nonpareil filling. The sprinkles themselves are the demise of this Sprinkles creation. Obviously, signaturely cheap, they were like eating pebbles, not to mention a potential choking hazard. Nutella, peanut butter, marshmallow cream, or really anything would’ve been preferable. They could’ve left it empty, for all I care; even that would’ve been an improvement.

All in all, I did not like this cupcake, and I (still) do not like Sprinkles. This is a 5/10 offering from a 5/10 place. Go elsewhere to meet your cupcake needs, but if you insist on visiting Sprinkles, opt for red velvet, gingerbread, or salted caramel. They’re less reprehensible.

The Black Velvet cupcake (depicted below/described above) is available through Sunday at all Sprinkles locations. Get yours (or don’t), and let me know what you think. Any questions? Requests for products you want reviewed? Offers of free stuff? General tidings? Comment below.