An Unhappy Birthday

I’ve never really liked birthdays. In fact, I grew up dreading them. My mother almost always forgot the occasion. Relatives I hated swarmed in from out of town. People watching me eat meant I had to eat more. I felt I didn’t deserve any of the presents I received. The passage of time made me anxious about how little I’d accomplished. I frequently spent the day in a hospital of some sort. And then there was the cake.

The cake! Oh god, the cake! The cake was the worst part. I’d spend all year worrying about the cake, planning for the cake, calculating how many calories were in the cake, devising ways to compensate for the cake. A slice of cake had 1000 calories, right? So, if I ate nothing else that day, I could have half a slice and not gain any weight, right? Or I could eat normally and exercise for five hours to burn it off? Or I could purge it? No, that would only get rid of 30% of the calories, providing I did it properly, and I’d still have 666.66 calories in surplus. What if I restricted for two days before? Could I have a whole slice then? Or could I just have a bite? How many calories were in a bite? Or a tiny bit of the frosting? Just a lick! That was my favourite part anyway. But there would be crumbs on the frosting. How would I account for those calories? It wasn’t worth it. I just wouldn’t have any. But I would exercise extra anyway—just in case, to burn off the cake I didn’t eat.

That was my birthday every year, and it was miserable. Like many people, I used birthdays as an opportunity to beat myself up, to get down on myself for all the things I hadn’t done, for everything that I wasn’t. The event emphasised my biggest insecurities—failure and fatness—and I spent the holiday punishing myself for my ‘obesity’ and ‘idiocy’. Needless to say, it was not much of a celebration.

It was my birthday last week, and although my circumstances were not ideal, I tried to make the best of it. I bought myself a book I wanted. I didn’t receive many other gifts, but I’m glad I have this text for my research. I attended two dance classes. They weren’t the challenging jazz ones back home at Pineapple, but they gave me an opportunity to work on my technique. I redeemed my birthday reward for a free drink at Starbucks. Maybe I ordered my hot chocolate with nonfat milk and scraped the whipped cream off in a panic, but at least I challenged my fear of liquid calories. I spent some quality time with my cat Katherine. It was sad not to be in London, but Katherine is so adorable and sweet. I stopped at my favourite bakery. My cake was delicious even though my friends were not there to share it with me. Did I have the best birthday ever? No, not by any stretch of the imagination, but I know that I’m lucky to be alive having this birthday at all.

Birthdays can be hard, I know. You don’t have to like them, and you don’t have to celebrate them. You can treat them like an ordinary day if you want to! Just please, please don’t use them as excuse to hurt yourself–mentally or physically. Acknowledge who you are and where your at. You may not be who or where you want to be, but you are someone, somewhere. I hope you can appreciate that.

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Disclaimer: This cake was from the Saturday before my birthday. I enjoyed a chocolate cake on the day itself, but the icing smudged on the bus trip back to my flat, and consequently I didn’t get any good pictures.

World Heart Day

Did you know that heart disease is the leading cause of death globally, killing an appalling 17.5 million people a year? Did you know that every forty seconds one person in America will have a heart attack? Did you know that 657 people in the United Kingdom will have a stroke today? Did you know that over 25% of Australian men suffer from hypertension? Did you know that heart disease costs the Canadian economy over $20.9 billion annually? Did you know that a quarter of all deaths in India can be attributed to cardiovascular disease? Did you know that heart disease takes twice as many lives as cancer in Malaysia? Did you know that over half the Mexican population is at risk for heart disease? Did you know that 278,933 Russian males died of coronary heart disease in 2009? Did you know that 26 million individuals suffer from heart failure? Did you know that 1 in 100 babies is born with a congenital heart defect? Did you know that 42 million women worldwide have a heart condition? Did you know that 98% of people do not survive out of hospital cardiac arrests? Did you know that things are only getting worse?

Heart disease is on rise. There has been a 60 million to 1 billion person increase in cases of uncontrolled hypertension between 1980 and the present. 1 in 10 school aged children are now overweight. 7% of the world smokes cigarettes. 23% of adults do not get the recommended amount of physical activity. Diabetes has increased in many countries by 50% in the past ten years. These risk factors, combined with the aging population, urbanisation, and inadequate prevention, are leading to a cardiovascular epidemic. By 2030, heart disease will have an annual death toll 24 million as well as a global economic burden of $1044 billion. These statistics are terrifying, and it is time we start taking heart disease seriously.

So ask yourself, are you at risk? Is your weight healthy? Do you follow your national heart association’s recommended exercise guidelines? Are you a non-smoker who drinks less then 14 units of alcohol weekly? Is your cholesterol below 200 mg/dL? Is your blood pressure 120/80 or lower? Are your electrolytes and blood sugar within the normal ranges? If you answered no to any of these questions, you are, indeed, at risk. Go see a cardiologist as soon as possible. You should also schedule an appointment immediately if you experience any of the following: chest pain (angina) or discomfort, palpitations, shortness of breath, arm/jaw/stomach pain, any cardiac arrhythmia, fatigue, nausea, and/or sweating. It is better to be safe than sorry.

Please, please be heart smart this World Heart Day. Know your numbers, get heart checked, and commit to a healthy lifestyle. Protect yourself and those you love. I know you may think you’re invincible, but heart disease can happen to anyone; don’t let it be you. Thank you so much for reading, and I hope you have a happy, healthy World Heart Day!

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Rebirthday

I died on August 29th of last year. My heart stopped, and anorexia killed me. I was technically dead for three minutes.The doctors didn’t think I would make it. I was too far gone. The defibrillators weren’t working; my heart was too damaged; I would never recover from anorexia. Why bother trying? They called my cardiologist to tell her patient had died; she told them to try one more time.

They did, and that’s when the miracle happened. That’s when my heart started beating again; that’s when my lungs started breathing again. That’s when I opened my eyes; that’s when I learned to see. There were sparkles on the ceiling and jewel-drops in my eyes. There was a buzzing in my ears and a million voices in my head; I could hear them all clearly, and they were telling me the truth–the cold, hard, cement-stairwell truth: They told me I couldn’t go on like this; they told me I had to recover. 

And they were right; I knew they were. I couldn’t go on like this, and I didn’t want to. I had to make a change; I had to do this once and for all; I had to recover. 

And so on August 29th, 2016, after ten long years, I finally began my recovery journey. I sought the help of a dietician, psychologist, cardiologist, gastroenterologist, psychiatrist, general practitioner, and liver specialist. I underwent extensive physical and psychological therapy. I gained thirty-eight pounds. I got in touch with my emotions. I learned to eat and exercise in moderation. I found freedom with food and within myself. I broke away from anorexia, and I came back to life.

I was reborn on August 29th of last year. My heart started, and I beat anorexia. I’ve been alive for approximately 525,600 minutes. I survived. The doctors saved me; my heart conditions are now managed with medications; I am recovering from anorexia. Who would’ve thought? I made it out alive, and you can, too. 

Fight Back; Bite Back

I’d always found the the American Heart Association’s slogan a tad ridiculous. ‘Life is why.’ ‘Why’ what and what’s so great about life? ‘Nothing’, I thought, obnoxiously answering my own rhetorical question. Life was a chore, an obligation, a dull movie that never ended, a tiresome trip that went on far too long. I took it for granted, but who can blame me? That’s what you do until you die.

My heart stopped on August 29, 2016; I was technically dead for three minutes. I collapsed in a stairwell after eating a candy bar. Presumably, the sugar from the Snickers was too much of a shock to my system; it sent me into ventricular fibrillation, which resulted in cardiac arrest. That’s what they said in the ER, at least–that and that I was lucky to be alive.

My psychiatrist showed up. She ran in, her hair messed up and things flying out of her purse. I could see the tears in her eyes. I felt so guilty, and as quickly as I could, I explained to her that I thought the extra calories would behove me and that I was really trying to go above and beyond my meal plan. She interrupted my ineffectual rasping with a lecture; I needed to follow my meal plan exactly and I was lucky to be alive. Okay, I guess.

My cardiologist came bearing tacos, which she handed, confusedly, to my psychiatrist. I tried to wave, but my hand just flopped feebly in the air. She asked me how I was, outlined the adapted course of treatment, and told me I was lucky to be alive. I didn’t say anything; I didn’t have anything to say.

The doctors were right. I didn’t know it then, but I’m beginning to realise it now; I am lucky to be alive. After all that I did to my body, I shouldn’t be here; the starvation, the overexercise, the drugs–they should have killed me; they did, yet they didn’t. Somehow, I survived, and somehow, I’m here now, alive.

Life is a gift–an awful gift, but a gift nonetheless. I’d be lying if I said it’s all sunshine and rainbows from here, but I promise you, it won’t be this terrible forever. Things will get better; you can get through this. You just have to fight back; you just have to bite back.